3 Gifts For A 20-Something – On Self Consciousness, Selfishness and Fulfillment


What three “gifts” would you give a 20-something if you were a “Forty-Godmother”? Here 40-somethings share three wishes to help a 20-something get a head start on the confidence to make decisions that are right for themselves. No more woulda, coulda, shoulda.

Today’s three wishes are from a salon conversation about relationships….from a woman who runs an organization that arranges “curated dating experiences”, co-authors of a book about millennial dating and a 40-something married to a man 13 years younger.

1. Stop draining your own energy.

I spent so much time being self-conscious that I lost sight of all I had to offer. When I finally stopped fixating on the right outfit, the right thing to say, or the right thigh that I thought was too big, I stopped the drain on my energy. When you are in a room and all you can do is think about what is wrong with you, you take up too much space that could be focused on other people and the energy you have to put out there in the world.

2. Be selfish and self reflective in seeking a soul-remate. 

I think selfishness is important if you’re also self-reflective. That means you re thinking about what’s important to you. When people say that someone just walked into their life and they connected, I think that is what happens when you learn from your experiences and you prioritize your emotions and your mental space. Then someone walks in who clicks with that because you’ve done a hard work of being selfish and being self-reflective. You can tell the times when you’re floundering versus the times that you are learning and becoming more yourself. I think that way – that selfishness if someone is giving you something that feels important, take it. But also be reflective of it and be what is this? What do I learn from it? What is it saying about my future anyway?

3. Listen to your un-fulfillment. 

if one person is not the “one” or not fulfilling what you’re looking for, sometimes you have to do the hard thing, which is to be unavailable. You have to focus on yourself. You have to do the hard work to figure out who you are. Take some time to get back into yourself and rejuvenate. Then at some weird moment you will start meeting these amazing people because you love yourself and have invested in yourself. When you’re not fully satisfied with somebody, it’s an opportunity to learn. It’s a moment to say, “I need to take space”. It could be a month or a couple of months. Then you will find your glow. You get your happy again.

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