Today’s “what I know now” wisdom is from a divorced, working mom. Married young and in love to a journalist and seemingly perfect soul-mate, she spent many years struggling with her husband’s alcoholism and diminishing financial security before finally calling it quits. I spoke to her as she was getting back on her feet. This is what she wishes she knew then:
Keep working on your resume, whether that’s your resume of life, or your work resume, you have to continuously be thinking about it. It is so important to continue to maintain your independence, and not only financially. Be wary of thinking you have a safety net. I’ve always continued to work. I like to work. For that I am happy. I see my friends who haven’t continued to work and now 15 years later, their kids are more independent and they are looking at their spouse or themselves and asking “Who is that?” And even when they just opted out for a while it’s hard to get your groove back. I had one friend who worked at a big consultancy who went to get her job back after a few years out. She’s like, “I worked for you for twenty years and then I drove my kids around for 5 years, and probably your kids too and now I’m not employable?” Stay involved in something, writing or volunteering or being strategically active in a skill set.
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When it comes to family issues, to relationship issues, you have to work through it. You can’t go around it. Sometimes you can for a little while….if that’s the easier route at the time and you realize that that’s what you’re doing. But it’s so important. You have to go through it to get a better understanding of yourself and different understanding of the situation. I gained more perspective and become more objective once I got to the other side. It’s like the elephant in the room. When I was younger, it was easier to just go around the issue and be mad for that day. Just get along and move forward. But one day you wake up and realize, you’ve been running on autopilot and you are way off course.
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You have it in you. I look at myself in the mirror sometimes and say, you are doing okay. You are going to be all right. It has taken a long time to get there. I’m like, “I can do it. I fixed the sink. I did that for the kids I did this for me”. I’ve come a long way to get back to that independence. Even a bad relationship can get comfortable in some ways. You try to make it work and you take someone back and then you don’t. But you end up in a relationship that wastes all that independence you gained in college and your twenties.
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Take advantage of any opportunity your company offers you for training. Don’t go to the Cubs game instead of going to work. Have a balance. Life balance is so important. Take advantage of the things they’re offering you because you will be surprised later if they’re not coming your way.
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How you feel about yourself is what you project to the world. So if you’re somewhat needy for the attention of others or always involved in somebody else’s problem, always finding your way through somebody else’s issues then, in effect, you’re building yourself up not to be who you are.
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It’s important to take responsibility for the mistakes you make and recognize things that you don’t have control over. I take pride in the things that I had done that were good. But then you have to responsibility for the wrongs that you’ve done and your part in it. You can blame your partner for everything but I know I was a part of it.
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Hold on to your girlfriends. That’s the most important thing. Nurture those relationships because you’re going to need them. If they’re not there for you when you’re down, realize that some can’t be because of their own thing. I had a friend who was going through a difficult time and I said to her, “I’m oversaturated in some of these issues and it’s hard for me to give people perspective right now but I’m here to listen. I might not be able to give you what you’re looking for from me, but I’m here for you.” I think that is really important.