Dear 40-somethings,
Should I move to be with my boyfriend when my parents are potentially getting divorced and my mom will need me?
My boyfriend and I have been in a long distance relationship for 14 months. It has gotten very real and we get very sad when we say goodbye after our monthly or bi-monthly visits. We recently decided to both relocate to the west coast, a place we feel we can further our individual careers and be together doing it. The problem is that my parents recently separated and are taking 3 months for my dad to figure out if he wants to be married anymore. My mom wants to work it out, my dad doesn’t know.
Now I feel confused, sad, guilty and obligated to stay where I am and be there for my mom if the divorce were to go through. I wouldn’t want to abandon ship when there’s a 6 bedroom house that needs disassembling and a new life to be started. Add that her mother, my grandmother is sick. That’s so much change at once, I just want to be a good daughter, but my boyfriend and I are aching for a relationship where time together isn’t so limited. The divorce isn’t for sure, but what do I do for worst case scenario? Boyfriend is very supportive of whatever my decision may be.
I’m hoping I could get some advice figuring out my feelings.
Dear 20-something,
Move in with your boyfriend. You are going to help your mother more with distance. If the shit really hits the fan, you can still help. Move forward with your life. Mom is a big girl. – 40-something, life coach, adventure guide, writer, Connecticut
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Dear 20-something,
Your parents won’t always be there. You don’t want to be in a situation where you wonder what if. My 12-year relationship survived different states and countries for months at a time. Unless you get a great job opportunity that you can’t turn down…wait it out. Can your boyfriend find a job where you are if you want to be together? Your relationship with your mom is very tight. You could help keep her above water if you feel like you can do it without sacrificing yourself emotionally.
One tangible suggestion to help you get in touch with your gut instinct would be to do a stream of consciousness journal for 2 weeks first thing in morning. You will find answer.Good luck! – 40-something, health and wellness industry, NYC
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Dear 20-something,
You are close with your mother. I would talk to her about this. You may be surprised at her response. Any mother wants their child to grow and find there dreams. It is the natural development that should occur. There is no reason in today’s interconnected world that you can’t be there for her. Skype, visits home when she needs help with the home, daily phone calls and texts. You may find you even grow closer by this kind of communication. The last thing she may want is to hold you back. As they say…go grasshopper….go find your own path. There is a point when you just have to go live your life not your parents life. – 40-something, marketing, Columbus, OH
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Dear 20-something,
One thing that you might not realize is that if you put your dream on hold for her, you might make her feel worse. It’s probably important for her to see you happy. In fact it may give her something to focus on besides her falling part. She can help you get settled in a new life and that may be a positive and welcome distraction for her. – 40-something, antiques entrepreneur, NYC
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Dear 20-something,
You will always have that push pull with your parents. For those of us who are close to our parents, it’s just something you aralways going to have to deal with. There is guilt but you have to start living your life. – 40-something, tech/business development, NYC
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Dear 20-something,
Focus on direct communication with your mom. And make sure you both have jobs before you move out there. That could ruin a relationship if you both go there. – 40-something, marketing & communcations executive, NYC
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