Dear 40-somethings,
I have had a series of unfortunate first dates. The problem, though, is that I leave the date thinking things went marvelously, that surely he’ll call me back/ask me for a second, but he (‘he’ really being ten ‘he’s) never does. What are some tell-tale signs of “he is just not that into you” that I should obviously pick up on to avoid these “the week after” waiting periods?
Dear 20-something,
There are a lot of reasons first dates don’t turn into second dates and it’s hard to second guess why. The old “he’s not that into you” line of thinking says you will know if I guy wants to go out again…don’t make excuses. Of course sometimes there really is a reason…something going on in his life that you don’t know about and has nothing to do with you. Or sometimes life just gets busy and it’s easier not to call than to face the fact that maybe you don’t want to go out with him. But the most important thing as most 40-somethings share in their answers below…is not to spend too much of your emotional energy on the why nots. Forget the second date and remember you are Number 1.
~
But first…a few people weighed in with signs to know it’s not going well.
“Most guys will not give off signs. They still want to give good date and be polite. So don’t pay any attention to whether they say they had a nice time or whether they say “lets do this again”. That is meaningless. So don’t waste time thinking that should mean a second date. Instead look for signs of connection and attraction. Open body language. Some compliment…you look nice, smell nice, he likes some article of clothing or accessory.”
“If it’s a first date after meeting online, it could be false expectations about looks. Guys are motivated by that picture on your profile…as are women, let’s face it. That is the downside of online dating is that you don’t get a chance to get a connection that goes beyond appearance. So the only thing they are thinking about when they walk in that door is what does she look like? Read their body language in that first contact…that could give you a hint as to whether they are are disappointed. In which case they are probably not someone you want to be with anyway. But if you are really looking for signs …that initial body language may tell you a lot. This by no means is saying you aren’t attractive…it just means make sure your profile picture is realistic portrayal of who you are!”
“If he cuts the date short unexpectedly that is usually a sign there will not be a second date.”
“If he doesn’t think you are that into him. Are you laughing and smiling and sending good body language signals too.”
~
Then we got a little deeper…into the real deal about not getting too caught up in the negative self talk about who you aren’t dating and getting into who you are and like doing. Thanks to these 40-somethings for their insightful answers!
Dear 20-something,
First of all, you deserve to be congratulated. I know so many women who don’t get the call for the second date and make all kinds of excuses for the guy like, “He’s super busy,” or “He was going traveling.” I always say, “He’s just not that into you! If a guy wants to see you again, he WILL get in touch. Believe me.” It makes me sad to see these wonderful women texting, calling, and clinging to someone who clearly wasn’t that interested. They sometimes get a second date, but it never works out and only causes them more heartbreak.
I’m not sure I can advise you on how to get a second date. I think it’s always best to be yourself. When it clicks, you both know. Sometimes, it clicks for one person but not the other. That’s a bummer, but you have to just move on, keep dating, and have faith that the right person will come along. And he won’t need any extra convincing.
As for what to do about the waiting period, you could always take the direct approach. At the end of the first date, you could say something like, “Wow. I had a terrific time tonight. I’d love to see you again. What do you think?” Of course, a lot of guys will bumble their way through the response without being honest if they’re not interested, trying not to hurt your feelings. But I bet at least half of them will answer honestly, and the other half you may be able to tell from their awkward reply what’s really going on.
Meanwhile, just keep loving yourself and living a joyful life with your friends, having great experiences. I know this is virtually impossible, but try not to stress out or place too much importance on each individual date. Look at them all as opportunities to meet new people and do fun things. You’ll meet someone fabulous, I’m sure. But often it doesn’t happen on the precise timeline or in the way we’d imagined. That’s life! – 40-something, Author, Life Coach. Yoga teacher, married to the love of her life
Dear 20-something,
Never ever wait for a second date. Life is too short! Leave every date thinking he was lucky to have a date with me. Seriously. The attitude alone will beget second dates, but more importantly for the guy that doesn’t want a second dates is not worthy our time. I will say this… short and tall, chubby and thin…what women think of themselves means more than anything they “do”. Live yourself first and the rest will follow, really! — 40-something, in advertising, tons of attitude, in relationship
Dear 20-something
If they don’t call for a second date, it’s their problem not yours. So move on. But that said- If you thought things felt good and went really well give them a call and say you had fun and you’d like to see them again. And see if they’re game? – 40-Something, writer, speaker, adventure guide and coach
Dear 20-something,
Sometimes when you get caught up in this kind of dating pattern it’s good to just take a break from formal dating and pursue interests that you enjoy. And also make friends and acquaintances of the opposite sex while you are at it. Join a golf, tennis or softball league. Get into a triathlon group. Find a church or volunteer group. That might be a way to meet friends and even potential dates without feeling so much pressure. – 40-something, communications, wife, mom, life enthusiast!
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