Don’t Get Blinded by the Chemistry, Do Your Homework

This is one 40-something woman’s personal “manifesto” on what she is doing the second time around in her relationship. Great advice for the first.


“I’m going to be honest with myself and get to really know him. I’m going to look at who he is and no matter how he feels about me, it will be about whether I have feelings for him based on who he is. I want to explore that because I was so reactionary with my husband. I thought, “It feels so good to have someone love me. I guess I love him too.” I’m sure I did love him. It’s easy to love someone who loves you. How hard is that?

This is different. It’s a lot more challenging to really figure out who someone is and whether who they are makes you a better person. Are we compatible? Can I learn from who he is and do I really respect who he is? And vice versa. Down the road, all the dopamine in the world won’t keep you together if you really aren’t into who they are as a person. If I can’t respect who he is and the decisions he makes and his value system, it won’t work for me. It seems so simple but it’s not. I don’t know why. Maybe you get caught in the feeling, the chemistry of it all, but you’re not really doing your homework. – 40-something, divorced, in a relationship, Los Angeles, CA


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