Old dream: Other people can make you happy
For those of you who haven’t seen it, 40:20 Vision was on The Huffington Post yesterday in their new “women” section. One of the changes that came with the merger with AOL…we now need our own section.
While for the first time single people outnumber married people in the US, we still hold the perception that there is something wrong with people that have never been married by the age of 40. The fear of that can lead us in the wrong direction. Marrying for the wrong reason, because you are afraid of being single, usually results in unhappiness. Most 40-something women say they wish they could tell 20-somethings that they might not get married in their 20s, or 30s or ever, but that doesn’t mean you won’t find happiness. And when you aren’t looking it will usually find you as the comments on the HuffPost peice suggest.
Read the article at http://www.huffingtonpost.com/christina-vuleta/single-forties_b_858828.html and send the link there to anyone who would benefit in knowing there is no need to be afraid …happiness lies within you! Or you can just like it, if you do.
For those who did read it…here is a new post for today on new dreams.
New Dreams: Make your own dreams.
When you know yourself it’s easier to see your dream. It doesn’t have to be grandiose, it could be right in yoru backyard, but you won’t see it until you go through the journey of knowing yourself.
I had my book “club” on Monday. The group is made up of some late 20-somethings, mostly early 30-somethings and a few 40-somethings. It’s a great barometer of the path from 20 to 40. The book was The Alchemist. I had never read it but most were reading it for the second time. It’s a hugely popular book about following one’s dreams. A boy journeys from Spain to the Pyramids to discover that his passion was right back where he began. But he wouldn’t have ever known it without the journey he took. People have a love or hate relationship with the story. I’d say, if you didn’t like Eat, Pray, Love…you probably won’t like this. No middle ground. Except me…I enjoyed reading it (perhaps because it was short and I always see both sides to the story), but it is a bit like hitting yourself over the head with a message that your dream is your destiny.
This quote sums up where the debate comes in.
“When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.”
A lot of the women called BS on this quote. No… this does not mean that if you want a car, complete strangers, in fact, everyone, will help you get it. Sorry. And the guy of your dreams will still probably stay in your dreams, unless you put some energy into it. Sorry again. But when you have total conviction about an idea or a vision of how you want to live your life….and you talk about it and behave in a way that is aligned with that vision….it’s more likely to happen than if you are vaguely interested in an idea, don’t talk about it or behave in opposition to it.
It’s when intention meets action. Talking about your “dream” puts it in motion and helps you figure out if it is viable. You get energy from that discussion that creates more energy. Someone recently said to me, “If you don’t talk about your dreams they die” (and I found out last night that it’s a line from Flashdance). But I think it’s true.
When I had the idea for 40:20 Vision I started talking about it…and then other people talked to me about it. I had a lot of people say it was a good idea but most importantly, I thought it was a good idea. I could talk about it with ease and passion because it came from my heart. I wasn’t selling someone else’s idea. I’ve had lots of ideas in my life but they were more along the lines of “wouldn’t it be cool if”. This one I could really envision as a reality. Eventually I decided I couldn’t just keep talking about it. People kept asking me about it and then one day I realized that if I didn’t go for it I’d regret it. So I started on a journey to interview women around the country to find out what they know now that they wish they knew then. I found out they had a lot to say and 20-somethings had a lot to ask. So the journey has just begun.
So if you have a dream, start talking about it. See what comes of it then. No the guy won’t just show up. But if you talk about what you want, in terms of the values and attributes (not his height, color of his eyes or shoe size), then you will probably be more likely to avoid guys that don’t possess any those attributes. And you will be more honest with the guys you date about what you want.
And no the car won’t materialize. But how knows, maybe when someone hears of a great deal on a car, you will be the first one they tell:)
What does this have to do with 40-somethings? As one 40-something woman said to me this weekend, “We know when to call bullshit”. When talk doesn’t equal intention, or when the talk is not from the heart, we can tell most of the time.
“The boy and his heart had become friends, and neither was capable now of betraying the other.” The Alchemist
We have become friends with out heart. Many of us, at least. Which means we don’t betray ourselves by following false dreams but we can evolve our dream as we evolve. And we know we can discover new dreams. We don’t think the world is over if one dream is gone, we conspire to find a new one. After all. We still have half of our lives to make it come true.
Some other 40:20 Vision “Alchemist-sisms”:
The Alchemist: “It’s the possibility of having a dream come true that makes life interesting.”
40:20: Don’t be in a hurry. Don’t feel like you have to cram all your dreams into your 20s. How boring would the rest of your dream be? Leave the road open for new dreams. Know that the journey is as important as the ride.
“Your dreams at 40 will be different than your dreams at 20. Don’t put all your stakes in one dream or feel failure to meet a dream on a timeline” – 40-something, New York
The Alchemist: “Making a decision is only the beginning of things.”
40:20 Vision: In my 20s this was an illuminating thought. I was so concerned with being right. I worked at an ad agency and heard someone say that “the best leaders are people who make a decision because the sooner you make a decision the sooner you know if it’s a mistake and can fix it. The sooner you can learn from it and continue on the road to success. One 40-something woman called it “failing forward.” That made me less worried about being right. When faced with two creative strategies, I could just pick one and make it right along the way!.
“It’s all going to be okay. You make the best decisions you can at the time and situation you are in and just know that that decision is going to take you somewhere and it will be okay.” – 40-something, Sierra Vista, Arizona
“The twenties are a time of great freedom and fun but also insecurity. Worrying about money. Am I doing right thing in my career? Is this right guy? If you were a 20 year old and could know that there are many paths and that you are the owner. You can make any choice you want and have anything you want. It’s your deal. Don’t feel like every decision is final.” – 40-something, Los Angeles
The Alchemist: “When we love, we always strive to be better than we are.”
40:2o Vision: When we learn to love ourselves we don’t accept someone who doesn’t enrich our lives.
“There are a bazillion people in the world — there is no reason to be with someone who makes you unhappy …in any capacity. Ever. That person in your life should enrich your life. And make your life more fun, and more awesome, and more great. They should make you feel more beautiful than you already do. Not the opposite. It shouldn’t be a bad feeling to be with them. That is a hard thing when you are younger because I think you do have this determination to be in a relationship. You think that if you have dated 3 years you should eventually get married to them. — 40-something, New York
The Alchemist: “One dies of thirst just when the palm trees have arrived on the horizon.”
40:20 Vision: Drink a lot of water….and wear sunscreen and a hat:)
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