We often talk about what doesn’t change when you get married. This woman has a good take on what does change..in a good way.
“A good expectation for marriage is so basic. The best advice I got was from a friend. An older guy. He said, ‘You really, really want to marry someone who is kind. Not someone who is really difficult or inconsiderate because they are going to make you miserable.’ So i think kindness is key. Then, you have to have chemistry. You can’t marry just a nice guy who you are not attracted to because that would be really depressing.
Sometimes you are attracted to a person who is a challenge. But when you’re married, I mean yeah you still want to be a little mysterious or whatever, you don’t want a challenge.So for me it was sort of like opening myself up, changing things up and being open to new possibilities.
I would say that when we got married things were different. Don’t expect people to radically change but I would say it the relationship changes in a good way. You feel like you’re more of a team. There’s not that question in your mind. This voice saying ‘Okay this is fun but is it just temporary?’ You are investing in your life. My husband will often say about things we are planning or deciding, ‘You know that I’m doing this for our family’ whether it’s work or something else and it’s really nice to hear that.”
Sometimes in your twenties…you love the challenge. You think maybe you’ll be bored with the “kind” guy. But don’t confuse kind with the nice guy stereotype. It just means not selfish and inconsiderate. They care and are aware of how their actions impact other people and their relationships. Many 40-something women like this one, advise to date a few challenges in your twenties, but don’t marry them. And lest you think it will all be boring. A word on marriage from Elizabeth Gilbert …author of Eat, Pray, Love and Committed…from a talk she gave the other night in NYC. The thrills can keep coming:
“Just when you think you know someone better than they know themselves there can be some tremendously thrilling surprise“.