Today’s question is from a reader who is here for some advice on love and chemistry.
To the 40-somethings out there who have loved, lost, married, and divorced: What are the merits of chemistry in a relationship and is it something that can grow (and fade) with time?
Her SItuation:
A guy she knew from her childhood neighborhood keeps popping into her life unexpectedly Chance meetings turn into long talks over tea. The first time right before she headed overseas for work.
“It was one of those perfectly beautiful moments when you connect with an almost stranger and feel that this is the sweetness of life.”
Another chance run-in upon her return led to a short relationship. But they part ways – it’s not working as he criticized her.
“He was an artist and as someone who had walked away from my artistic roots, it was intoxicating to be near someone I felt saw the world the same way as I did. While he claimed he loved me, the fact that I was not pursuing an artistic career made him feel I was “less than”. His disappointment and criticisms felt like daggers.”
Enter new guy – 2 months after breakup…he’s open and supportive.
“Days with him felt easy and peaceful. We could speak openly about anything and I felt (and still feel) that I am my best self with him and he feels the same way with me.”
The relationship is wonderful but she fears it lacks the “x-factor” and electricity of Marcus.
That “feeling”, the fabled “x-factor” was something I felt to my absolute core. I worry (and often mourn) that after a year together, I have not experienced that with Leo. And yet, I am in a relationship that, with one singular exception, is absolutely wonderful and exactly what I’ve always hoped a relationship could be. Not just fun and easy but substantive and resilient.
So chemistry or consistency? Two 40-something women weigh in…one married, one just recently remarried…
Life is too short to settle. I believe in chemistry at first sight, whether it’s from the heart or from the brain. Don’t get me wrong, the sex needs to be good too, but that initial electricity will eventually fade and manifest itself in other ways. You still need to take care of your man, but it won’t be the sole focal point. Over time, you need to get butterflies in your stomach when you are about to see your partner or feel love so much that it hurts when you aren’t with him. When my husband is away on business, I feel like a kid on Christmas morning anticipating his return.
You might want to check out this recent piece in the NYT about marriage and it’s impact, good or bad, on one’s health. http://well.blogs.nytimes.