Dear 40-somethings,
I am coming to you today from a rather disoriented place. I have been in a relationship for the past two years, and I am now facing the elephant in the room: I am NOT attracted to him. I fought it so badly, but the truth remains. I am very fond of him though: he is the sweetest, kindest, funniest guy ever. He loves me dearly, and cares for me. So do I, but when it comes to sheer, raw, untamed passion… it is just not there.
Please 40-somethings, who are married, have kids, know real life, should I choose a man because he will be a good father, a good husband and a rock I will lean on through the storms, even though every time I hug and touch him, I cannot help but notice that the outside is not what I want, and find myself fantasizing about other things? I feel so selfish.
Dear 20-something,
There is a big but in your question….and it has nothing to do with his physique. Today’s answers from my 40-somethings are honest, insightful and warm-hearted. I let them speak for themselves. – CV
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Dear 20-something,
If the attraction isn’t there, do yourself a huge favor and break-up with him gracefully. You are too young to sacrifice and settle — believe me you will find your true love, it just may take some time. You don’t want to end up divorced with children in your 40s. You want to make it right the first time around. – 40-something, PR, Marketing, NYC, divorced
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Dear 20-something,
This is a definite hard one. Everyone older than you will tell you that passion fades and that is not what you end up needing in your long-term partner. However, I say beware of a relationship that starts with no passion. Yes passion fades, but sex and romance can still exist even in the longest marriages. Don’t go into something feeling like you’ve settled or you will be supremely frustrated or seriously hurt this kind man. Take yourself out of the equation and ask yourself this…doesn’t he deserve a chance for the whole package? – 40-something, global marketing director, NYC, divorced
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Dear 20-something,
I’m glad that he’s a wonderful guy who treats you well, but they should ALL treat you well. Hopefully, that’s a minimum starting point for anyone who deserves to date you. I know reality is that it can be rare to find those guys, but they’re out there.
When you meet the person who makes you feel passionate and physically energized, you’ll only be able to act on that passion if you’ve ended it with someone who isn’t everything you want. There are a zillion wonderful people in the world and hopefully you can stay friends with as many of them as possible, but it’s not fair to you and definitely not fair to him if you settle for someone who can’t offer everything you need.
Some people certainly could be happy for years with more of a companion relationship, without feeling intense physical attraction to their partners, but it doesn’t sound like you’re that kind of person. It isn’t selfish to want to be attracted to the whole person with whom you spend your life and not just parts of him or her; it IS selfish to stick with someone for security while being dishonest with him about your feelings.
That said, is it possible that you could help to make him over? Some things can be fixed. Some can’t. Fitness, clothing, hairstyles, cologne — all of these things can be fun to work on. But sometimes there’s just no spark, no matter what. – 40-something, educator, married, mother, Los Angeles, CA
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Dear 20-something,
You want a partner who has all the traist you listed, but without attraction, that person is just a friend. That is not a basis for a lifelong romantic relationship. But I caution you to make sure you are being true to yourself and not just reacting to some image of the man you thought you would be with. Are his looks just not what you think your friends would be attracted to, not the talk, dark and handsome or whatever image the media puts forth or truly a turnoff to you? If he is a great guy just make sure it is not the bigger better syndrome that makes you think you can do better. – 40-something, technology industry, business development, single, NYC
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And one last one that I will include a link to a previous post from a woman who realized, as hard as it is, not wanting to hurt someone is not the same as loving someone.
Good luck and trust your gut!