I have a question. As rootless soul, my identity has always been founded on my future goals or aspirations. I am currently lost with no sense of direction, and as such my sense of self is wavering. While I accept this, I cannot go on like this forever. My question is, how does one fast-track finding a relatively stable identity? Is it even possible to fast-track? What do I do? Help! – 20-something
“Self acceptance is a life long journey…it helps to be in a safe space and to be kind to ourselves. You deserve it.” – 4020 Vision
I see this blog as being a head-start to making decisions for yourself….but unfortunately there is no insta-fix to finding your identity. You are a work in progress. What I try to do is provide a variety of perspectives from women on the other side of the decisions they made in their 20s. Then you can begin to see what feels best to you. Someone once said to me, “always get three perspectives on any issue and then triangulate the answer that fits you.” So here goes!
You can be assured that you are not the only 20-something to feel this sense of being lost. One group of women I interviewed called it “future anxiety syndrome”. With so many choices and pressure to succeed, one can become paralyzed. But honestly, you have plenty of time to figure it out. You just have to start taking the first steps.
And now, responses from my 40-something panel both past and present, on getting “un-lost”.
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Dear 20-Something,
My first advice would be to seek professional help, there is no reason to go through life feeling so lost that it paralyzes you when you could be working your way through it with the help of a therapist. It is easy when we feel down to lump a bunch of things together that are bad and make a mountain, but it does not have to be.” – 40-something from a similar past post. Read more here: Getting Back On Your Feet
[Also a great online source here: In Your Corner]
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Dear 20-Something,
I can relate to how you feel. Sometimes it is hard to maintain a positive identity while waiting for longer term goals to take shape. I have found having smaller shorter term goals can be inspiring and a welcome distraction. If you are sporty, signing up for a 10K, half marathon, bike event or trip, Tough Mudder or other event (especially with others) could be helpful. Or planning a trip somewhere that is not just fun but intellectually interesting and on one’s bucket list can be a great way to learn and grown and feel good about your life. Or if you are focused on career, taking classes that will add additional skills could be a positive step. – 40-something, PR Exec, Philadelphia
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Dear 20-Something,
Part of me wants to say that if even at 40 we had the answer to a quick fix we would be billionaires:) But on a more serious note, since you are in your 20s, I would not put that much pressure on yourself to need a “quick fix” as I am not sure such a thing exists. We have all felt lost. But for every down period there is an up. You make it through. That being said, if you feel like you need more direction then I would suggest doing more soul searching to really attempt to figure our what makes you happy and what will bring you a sense of contentment. Taking personal inventory and figuring our what may have you in a stalled state might help as well. Also, I have a question, is someone making you feel guilty about being more “see how it goes” kind of person and therefore you want to fast track it to be something you are not? Either way, follow your heart, listen to your ever so smart inner voice and go at your own pace. – 40-something, Fashion, New Jersey
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Dear 20-Something,
I would recommend doing a 10-day silent Vipanssana meditation retreat. They are offered around the world, for free. Spending 10 days in silence with yourself with no distractions- no phones, computers, reading, writing, or talking- will help you discover your passion, realize the mistakes you have made and help you find your way forward. Here is a blog I wrote about it: 10 Ways 10 Days of Silence Will Blow Your Mind
It is the most challenging and most rewarding experience of my life, along with the first 3 months of raising twins! – MeiMei Fox, 40-something, Author, Life Coach, California
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As awlays good luck. And as this woman says, take it slow and all with a grain of your own salt!
“You will probably live until you are 100 years old. That means that you have a lot of life ahead of you. So far you have lived your life in 2-four-year chunks – high school, college, work, more school, etc. You will make life decisions, but your perspective is a bit warped because 4 years is still “a long time.” Good things, maybe even the best things, take a long time to cultivate. Invest in yourself. You are going to ask other people for advice. They will give it to you. Take it all with a grain of salt and on that note…go live your life and have a great time! But don’t forget to wear underwear.” Read more here: Don’t Forget To Wear Underwear: