20-Something Question: Go Slow or Move On?


Q.  Dear 40-somethings, 

This guy and I are both 22. He is working at a well-known company and I’m pursuing my post grad. We met 10 months ago through a common friend. At first we had light and casual rapport in a group environment. He always would tell me that he had a crush on me. Eventually he became more serious about it and asked me out. I accepted. We both shared almost everything and have a lot in common. We also both have had a previous breakup and both are fine with it.


We now have been going around seriously for two months. Recently he told me that he is worried about our future and he is still not sure. He said he wants me in his life but he is scared if it doesn’t workout later.


I replied telling him that until he gets sure I cant do anything except wait for him and will respect the decision. He wants me to be close to him and he wants things to go slow so he can decide what exactly to be done. I am in a real fix now. I can’t remain as a friend with him. I love him, which I never told him. I don’t know if I should wait or try to move on!


A. Dear 20-something,


This question reminds me of a quote from Maya Angelou…”If people show you who they are believe them.”   That seems to be the direction the 40-somethings are heading. He is scared and wants you adjust to his speed. That means you are doing the waiting and life is passing you by. Are you ready for that?


“He is telling you how it is. Listen.  He is saying things like ‘worried’ and ‘not sure’. He wants you to go slow so ‘he can decide.’  Move on.  If he decides later that you are who he wants to be with, you can ‘decide’ then. – 40-something, entrepreneur, designer, mom and wife, Brooklyn, NY


“If he cared he would reschedule he would change his priorities. He would not hem and haw. Take him at face value. If you go black and he comes back it will be because he wants to not because you forced his hand.” – 40-something, a joint answer from a 40-something couple (adding in the guys eye view too)


Yet there is another perspective. You have only been dating for two months. How do you know this is what you want? Are you sure you love him? Just a few gut checks:  Are you into him or into the attention?  Is it easy and drama free? Have you changed your priorities for him e.g. grad school, etc).


I notice it took you a while for him to ask you out/ for you to say yes. Did you let him know you wanted to go out or did he and you like the play of the flirtation?  Take a step back and decide do you like him because he likes you or because he likes you? If you don’t know the answer …after two months I don’t think you have to cut him off but you can say fine…let’s slow it down. Then take that time to decide what you want!

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