Dear 40-Somethings,
I’m going through “the year of the wedding.” I’m 27 and single. Nearly all of my friends are married, getting married or in serious relationships on the cusp of getting engaged. I have a couple of single pals that I enjoy spending time with, but I sometimes feel like everyone is going down a path without me. And I would like to go down that path one day – after I meet the right guy.
While I’m happy for my friends, when I spend time with them I usually feel like the third, fifth or seventh wheel. All social events are couples-filled (even yoga) and when we go out to dinner each couple picks out their own plates to share and leaves me to myself. They have no other single friends. In the last month, all of my couple friends moved to the same neighborhood. They have their own book club, date nights, etc. One of the guys (half) jokingly said I could join in the fun if I moved to the neighborhood…So here’s my question: How can I remain friends with couples when spending time with them makes me feel bad about being single?
Dear 20-Something,
I think that if it makes you feel bad to be in a couple situation, you should consider attending gatherings with these friends that are not so couple friendly. Socialize with your couple friends at parties where there will be other people and who knows maybe you’ll even meet the right guy there. – 40-something, event planner, NYC
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Dear 20-Something,
It’s tough being the ‘extra”’ wheel. (See Bridget Jones – re: being a “singleton”). When I was in graduate school I was still living like a student, while my friends were getting married, buying their first homes & second cars.
When they started having kids it widened the gap further. And now in my 40s, married, but w/o children my husband and I find fewer people to hang out with because most of these friends are caught up in “play dates” & car pools. But there are people who can see beyond your relationship or parental status. A true friend will still invite you & want to spend time with you even when your lives aren’t on the same trajectory.
The question I ask myself is: even if I am the “singleton” or haven’t experienced raising kids, do I enjoy the company of these people? In some cases the answer is yes, and we continue. When the answer is no, then..
As for moving to be closer to your “coupled” friends, that depends on how it makes you feel. If it makes you feel more alone, then maybe it’s not the right choice. If it means having more opportunities to get out & do fun things, I’d say go for it. You never know if someone has a single brother or friend etc. – 40-something, doctor, Los Angeles, CA
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Dear 20-Something,
Stop feeling negatively about being single (“everyone is going down a path without me”) and you’ll be happier about yourself and those couples. If your couple friends are neglecting your friendship, then spend more time nurturing other relationships with other single people. You’re certainly aren’t the only single person out there. Hanging around married folks isn’t going to help you find a relationship…if that’s your goal. – 40-something, married, 40-something, publishing industry, Washington DC
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Dear 20-Something,
I think probably, for a time, it might be more fun to try to hang out with these friends one-on-one. I can’t imagine that they never do anything without their new spouses! (Actually, I take that back. There’s an awful lot of insecurity in those relationships early on.) Your friends might really enjoy being able to escape for a coffee or a bike ride with you — it just probably won’t be a one-on-one dinner or a drink at night. Meanwhile, maybe you can carve out more of an evening social life with single friends. Couples can be kind of boring to be around. – author, columnist, Washington DC
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Dear 20-Something,
Would you rather be home by yourself with your cats– or out with your friends? What is more fulfilling? I used to feel like a 3rd wheel but now I appreciate hanging with my married friends. It gives me a good perspective on what married life is like and after the initial glow of being married wears off they are usually eager to spend time with their single friends and it can be quite fun. – 40-something, marketing executive, single, NYC