Today I have two answers for a woman who went traveling in South America and had a brief but amazing meeting with a Israeli tourist, a 29 year old social worker. Their paths crossed while on separate tour buses …and then again at an airport in another country. Both felt and intense connection and have been keeping in touch and getting to know each other online as well as making plans to see each other. She is struggling with whether to put her life on hold or commit to her heart and the long-distance complicated relationship. Her whole story is at the end. It’s a long read but as she says, “it’s Nicholas Sparks on crack”. Here is what two women had to say. One who found the “love of her life” in similar circumstances and one who has a more skeptical view of getting to know someone primarily online. I will share two more answers next week.
Q. Dear 40-somethings,
So… my question… I suppose, is for guidance. I am trying to be as realistic as possible while staying true to my experience and feelings. Many of my friends and family are excited for me but warn against putting my entire life on hold for this person they don’t know. And yes… I don’t know completely yet either…but we’re working on it. I was asked out on a date the other day by a really nice guy…. and found myself saying, ‘no, I’m sorry I… well…it’s complicated.’ It’s a strange situation and emblematic of our world… shrinking thanks to technological advances but physically… Israel is still so very far away.
Should I remain open to other potential connections…or should I solely, let myself pursue this unique one? What are the moralistic boundaries in this kind of situation? I want to be honest and open, with everyone, for that matter, but again… it’s a complicated situation. And until I see this through… I feel like this will always be apart of my mind and heart.
I feel blessed…but for as happy as this new opportunity has made me… I am beginning to see that it will also become very hard when the big decisions begin to unfold center stage.
Dear 20-Something,
A. I would suggest not dating other people.
I met the love of my life on a beach in Costa Rica four years ago. I was leaving the next day. I wish I had stayed. Changed my flight. Done whatever I could to give us more time together. It took us three years of email and phone calls to finally make it out of our unhappy relationships and find our way into each other’s arms. We are celebrating our one-year anniversary of reconnecting this weekend and I have never been happier. We are head over heels in love. We are more connected than I ever imagined possible. We got married last September. It is amazing.
So admittedly, I am biased. Also, when we met, we were both in our late 30s and married before, so we both felt wise – from having suffered a few disappointments – and confident in our feelings for one another. But, I will say this: Your kind of experience does not happen very often. Most people never have that deep and rich of a connection to another person EVER. If this man is into you, as he seems to be, it is totally worth taking a risk and jumping into exploring it further. You can actually learn a lot about people from email and online interactions, and scientific research shows it stimulates the same centers of our brain as in-person interactions.
I would suggest not dating other people – mainly because your heart isn’t open to them. Get on a plane and spend some time together as soon as possible. But trust. Jump in. As my husband Kiran says, “People are either Romeos or Hamlets.” I have dated Hamlets before, and their hesitation makes them miserable. Romeos may end up banging themselves up horribly, but at least they tried. Don’t let your friends talk you out of this one.
What’s the worst that can happen if you say yes and go for this with all your heart? You end up heartbroken. So what? You’re 24! You’ll heal. You’ve got plenty of time. At least you’ll have a fantastic story about having taken a chance on following your heart.
What’s the worst that can happen if you date other people, slow down, or back off? You lose the love of your life, the man of your dreams, and that rare, beautiful gift of true love.” – author, editor, life coach, yoga instructor, volunteer and mentor
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Dear 20-something,
A. I think you should date AND try to find time to see this guy as well.
I would caution that I’ve become a skeptic about online relationships. It always concerns me that in this day and age, people mistake online chatting with actually dating/meeting. I have so many friends that have subscribed to online dating and are 9 times out of 10 disappointed in person. That said, you have met this person. So my question is…how experienced …or naïve are you in terms of relationships? Have you had previous relationships? My guess is that you may also run up against some cultural/religious/family issues given he is Isaeli.
You both seem swept up in it, but in truth you barely know each other. When you are around another person — in person — you see habits, posture, idiosyncrasies, physical response, all which are key in determining attraction, trust level and intent. When you are communicating via internet, all of that is missing and I think it would be easy for your mind to create a fantasy relationship. So in the end, I would say to continue to pursue this relationship but don’t rule out other possibilities. – 40-sometthing, married, mom, fashion designer, Brooklyn, NY
Full Question / Story
So… I’ve have quite the story for you.
I was traveling this past December in South America during a 4 week job hiatus.
My last weekend exploring the Southern hemisphere, I went alone for a weekend to visit these amazing waterfalls. True to form of some Nicholas Sparks novel on crack… when least expecting it, I found myself talking to a beautiful Israeli man while gazing at a sight that Eleanor Roosevelt once remarked upon her own arrival to this extraordinary landscape…”Poor Niagara!”
The connection was instantaneous. I am 24 and have never been so suddenly swept off my feet, nor have I dared claim to my most inner self that I have ever truly been in love. I’ve been through several relationships but nothing has ever took hold of me to the core…until this.
We spoke for only five minutes. He was part of a tour group and after the leader came up for a third time we were forced to go our separate ways but not without an exchange of emails.
I was stunned. As if someone had hit me with a baseball bat. I felt like happiness bubbled up from my toes and like a volcano was erupting from head like a sparkler on the fourth of July. So even though I am not a religious person, I did the only think I could think to do in this midst of this foreign emotion, unique circumstance and beautiful natural wonder… I prayed.
Four days later, in a whole other country, I had an 8 hour layover in an airport before my final departure back to the U.S. After four hours, I packed my books, stood up and decided to hunt down some coffee. But on my way…a window display caught my eye and I paused. Out of the corner of my eye I saw someone walking towards me. I look…turn back the window…double take back again to him and…there he is. He saw me and was clearly stunned… my face I’m sure matched his reaction.
We hugged awkwardly, laughing with surprise…and continued to have a rare and unexpected gift. 2 1/2 unadulterated hours in the airport, to just talk.
He’s 29, a social worker. He loves to travel. He was everything and more than I could have possibly hoped for. Kind. Funny. Humble. A little shy but open.
Time flew by and nothing has ever felt more natural. The intercom voice that announced last call for my flight was startling and came sooner than expected. I jumped up, packed my things and there we stood…. What to do? What to say?
See you soon? — Unlikely. We hugged instead. Kissed — I’m not sure who made the first move. Nor do I care.
And I sprinted, still brimming and fumbling with joy, to the gate where my flight awaited.
As I walked through the tunnel I saw there was a bit of a line still waiting to take their seats…in a last ditch effort, I told the security guard I forgot something and ran through the terminal to the gate where his flight was meant to depart. It was empty… the flight had already left.
I went back to Gate 31, took my seat, and dumbfounded on how to absorb what had happened, stared at the seat in front of me.
Just as everyone had taken their place, a security guard came on board and asked for my name. I told him and he motioned for me to come with him. Confused, I followed the guard to the front of the plane where… surrounded by a few security guards and the entire plane crew…he was standing … with the biggest grin on his face.
In true movie form…we kissed again! He said he came back to give me chocolate and wish me a safe flight.
Dazed even more, if that was at all possible, I floated back to my seat on the plane and my heart pounded the entire flight home.
What has proceeded is a series of emails with photos from previous trips, our daily lives, baby photos. We talk almost every day whether by email or video chat…trying to find a time to meet for just a couple days (to make sure we’re not completely insane). And if that goes well… he has a month vacation coming up
While our unexpected meeting is so good it’s like a delicious kitch chick flick you want to watch after a break up…. what has astounded me is how much more I like him now that I’ve gotten to know a little more.
I know that communication over the internet is not a real relationship and that it is important to find the time to learn the nuances of a potential partner in person. The distance is obviously in an issue but I’ve never felt more on the same page with someone. We both are making consistent efforts to see each other. Once we spend a little more time, the larger problems of how, when and where will certainly have to be tackled and I think we are both open and aware of realities this would entail.
So… my question… I suppose, is for guidance. I am trying to be as realistic as possible while staying true to my experience and feelings.
Many of my friends and family are excited for me but warn against putting my entire life on hold for this person they don’t know. And yes… I don’t know completely yet either…but we’re working on it.
I was asked out on a date the other day by a really nice guy…. and found myself saying, “no, I’m sorry I… well…it’s complicated.”
It’s a strange situation and emblematic of our world… shrinking thanks to technological advances but physically… Israel is still so very far away.
Should I remain open to other potential connections? Or should I solely, let myself pursue this unique one. What are the moralistic boundaries in this kind of situation? I want to be honest and open, with everyone, for that matter, but again… it’s a complicated situation. And until I see this through… I feel like this will always be apart of my mind and heart.
I feel blessed…but for as happy as this new opportunity has made me… I am beginning to see that it will also become very hard when the big decisions begin to unfold center stage.
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