Don’t Assume You Are On The Same Page in a New Relationship

There has been an on-going conversation here about when do men grow up and is that the same thing as when do they want to commit. I have had a few posts on this in the past month and many conversations have ensued as a result, with both women and men. Many people say it is complicated but simple. Men and women want different things most of the time. Today I share the perspective of one guy who shared his perspective on the guy’s eye view.


This guy told me the story of how he saw an attractive woman at the bar and noticed her noticing him. They chatted briefly and then she left. After she left he thought, I just missed an opportunity. I’m going to go after her. He did run after her and caught her just as she was getting on the subway. Got her number and they ended up going on a date.

I commented from the romantic side of my brain, “Oh you must have felt there was something really special there.” He said, “no, I just thought she was attractive and I would like to sleep with her.”  Honest.  For some women, his coming after her and that he actually found her would have signified something along the lines of, “Wow, he came after me.  We must have had some great connection. This must be fate.” Not so much.


Fast-forward 2 months. This couple did date and now they have been dating a year. So was there a special connection at that meeting point or did it come after?  He says he just knew after a while that “she was one that he would like to keep around.”  He recognized a difference in maturity on his part. He said in the past I would have wanted her because she looked good on my arm. Now I want her because she makes me laugh and I like being with her beyond the morning after. I don’t let my insecurities get in the way. In the past I would have put up a boundary about “my time” or “my needs” and if she tried to cross that boundary, I would flip out and the relationship would die. Now I’m more conscious of telling her what I need and being honest about it.  His point was it wasn’t just that he matured a bit and was ready to commit to the next girl that he found attractive. But a combination of the fact that the woman didn’t make him freak out when she crossed the boundaries and that he cared more about her than his ego for the first time.


So have your eyes open. Don’t think the guy that comes after you is necessarily Prince Charming come to the rescue. As we often say here, you have to decide for yourself if you like the guy because he was attracted to you or because you were attracted to him. The guy in this story adds, “Realize initially he may just be after sex, so don’t immediately assume you are on the same page. But you can give a guy a little time to grow into the relationship.”  It’s after that two month mark you probably can start having those conversations…not before, no matter how romantic your meeting.  Here are this guy’s tips on signs a guy is only in for the sex.

“If they have never had a serious relationship that’s a red flag. I think most guys have to get their heart broken once or twice to learn what they want. The first lost love teaches you what you don’t want. The second relationship is usually the complete opposite of the first one. You think, okay this woman is the exact opposite of the girl who broke my heart so this must be right. You probably end up breaking that woman’s heart.”


“If a guy tells you everything you want to hear that is a red flag. Some guys know the fastest way to get to bed is to romance the girl. But for him it’s false. It’s just efficient.”


“If you are serious about finding commitment …don’t sleep with him right away. If he can’t wait…he’s not looking for anything more.”


“And of course, if he says he doesn’t want a relationship, he really doesn’t.”


“My advice in the end. Be yourself.  Don’t lie to yourself or a guy to be what you think he wants.”


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