Be Open to the Other Guy

Consider the other guy. There’s a tendency for young women to be drawn to the brightest star at the bar (or wherever) at the expense of getting to know some pretty cool guys. A male friend of mine who does a lot of dating pointed out that a lot of men out there that are no pushover, boring “nice guys”, and are pretty good looking too, but just aren’t the type that are cruising up to girls to ask them out at a bar. He pointed out that the guys that come on strong are probably also coming on strong to a lot of other women — so watch out. They tend to need that validation.  In my twenties I decided to have a 3 date rule. I dismissed a guy who was interested in me when I was in my early 20s because he didn’t fit the image I had in my head, only got to know him socially and finding him more and more attractive the more I got to know him. By that time it was too late. He was with someone else who saw his fun and charm. Some people talk about beer goggles whereby a person gets more attractive the more beers you have, I get banter bifocals. Once I get to know a guy, I see different dimensions to him. For me the 3 date rule worked. After all aren’t there times you wish you could get a second chance?

This women I talked to wishes she had done that a little more in her 20s. After years of dating the bad guys she ended up marrying the first guy who put her on a pedestal, only to find out that it’s inevitable that you will fall off. She was in love with the image he had of her. She felt dating more types of people in her twenties might have helped her avoid that mistake.

Probably the same way that you shouldn’t be so confident and sure about who you are you shouldn’t be so sure about who they are. I look back and see I was very superficial about how I made my choices in men and I probably missed out on a lot of guys who were great because I wasn’t looking for the right things. I was looking for image or a presence that wasn’t honest. I still have friends who do that. They want a bad boy. They feel like somehow drama must mean that he’s more interesting and really it’s just damaging. It doesn’t make it more interesting. Give the other guys more of a chance. It’s not like one date, 2 dates. If there’s some little hint of something there then it’s like 5 dates. I don’t think I ever gave anybody that much of a chance and I wish I did.”

Similarly, this woman married the guy with the looks only to find out that there wasn’t much else there. Be sure you like more about him than the way you look together!

“You never know who’s going to be the guy. When you’re young, you think looks are so important. I want Prince Charming or whatever.  Now I see friends who are married to great guys that probably would have asked me out and I would have been like, are you kidding me. Oh no. That’s not for me. And then I think about my ex-husband. He was so good looking. I thought, doesn’t he have a nice smile? Don’t we look good in pictures? But it was like, “Hello, are you empty in there?” Of course, if you can’t ever imagine kissing him that is not such a good thing. There has to be an attraction. But, you never know, he may be a great lover.

And then, here’s from the women who’s been happily married and in love with the other guy for 18 years:

“There are more interesting guys out there.  Don’t be afraid of them.  Don’t always go for best looking guy in the room, unless you are just looking for a one-night stand.”

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