Have Your Done Your Relationship Homework?


Today’s post is from a woman reflecting on marriage…or what happens in any relationship when it is based on how the person feels about you rather than how you feel about them.


On her marriage…

I was so reactionary when it came to relationships. “How does he feel about me? Does he think I’m pretty? I think I’m pretty when he thinks I’m pretty. I think I’m sexy when he thinks I’m sexy. It feels so good to have someone love me. I guess I love him too.” I’m sure I loved him. It’s easy to love someone who loves you. How hard is that?

Now I see it. When you base your feelings on a reaction to how someone is judging you and looking at you, you end up thinking, “I love him because he loves me” and that’s this disaster.

What you should really be doing is what he’s probably doing which is thinking, “I love her. I’m not thinking about whether she loves me.” You thinking that you are sexy or not sexy, or pretty or not pretty, or worthy or not worthy, have nothing to do with him.


I’m sure I married him because I loved how much he loved me. I loved the way he put me on a pedestal. I loved the way he looked at me and made me feel. But that’s not the reason to marry someone. Eventually when that whole thing wears off you start looking at him for who he is rather than who he thinks you are. Then you have to ask yourself, “Do I love this person?” I didn’t. I didn’t understand or respect who he was. He was so different than I was.

I think it happens often with women who don’t know themselves. Since I got divorced I had all these revelations. From 40 to where I am now, 44.

On her next relationship…

I was determined to be super honest about who I am and what I want. I said, “I’m going to really get to know him. No matter how he feels about me, it’s going to be about whether my feelings for him are based on who he is.”

It’s a lot more of a challenge to figure out who someone is and whether who they are makes you a better person. Are they compatible with you and can you learn from who they are? Do you truly respect who they are?  Because down the road, all the opiates and chemistry in the world are not going to keep you together if you aren’t into who they are as a person. If can’t respect their value system and the decisions they make. It seems so simple but I don’t know why…it’s not. You get caught in feeling, the chemistry of it maybe. You’re not really doing your homework. Do your homework.

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