Today I’m sharing one more helpful and spot-on answer to the 20-something question on how to deal with a roommate who went from being a welcome a friend during a new transition (moving to a new country) to antagonistic and critical flatmate. Do you save the friendship? And how do you confront someone when they could their criticism in humor? (See original question here)
Dear 20-something,
You need to nip this in the bud by confronting her the next time it occurs. There’s no reason for you to be in an uncomfortable home situation, especially as you navigate a new country and new job. And, keep in mind, she might not know she’s upsetting you due to your different cultures as you mention.
The next time she’s saying something hurtful to you, tell her that what she said is hurtful and try to explain as nicely as possible why. Tell her you believe she’s trying to be humorous but that it hurts. Blame it on the different cultures and that maybe you don’t understand what she’s saying but you thought she should know. Tell her you want to have a home and friendship with her that is a safe and happy place to be and you’re feeling attacked these days. If she’s agreeable and wants to discuss it, then she’s a friend worth investing more time. If not, then I’d suggest trying to find alternative living arrangements and know she’ll never be the friend you want. Some people just do not mix well and it’s good to know that early on and not invest more time in something when you can use your time elsewhere.
It might not be an easy move to make but one you’ll be better for later on. You don’t want this experience to be bad and cloud your adventure in a new country. It should only be filled with fun and hard work to further your career and you want people who want to share that with you, not be negative and a drain.
Good luck!
– 40-something, wife, mom, fashion exec, moved from NYC to San Diego, CA, friend