Tuesday night we had a great group of women on Honestly Chat with Honestly Now. One of the questions that came up from the 20-somethings was: “What about the “timeline”? I feel most 20-somethings feel pressure to follow the marriage and kids timeline”.
Many of the 40-something women I interview felt that pressure too. The magic number now seems to be 30-35. For us it was 25-30. But getting married by the numbers is not likely to end in long-term happiness. Many women have said to me…”If I married the guy I was dating when I hit my imagined ‘time’, I would either be miserable or divorced.’ Another was so set on a time that she almost lost her “soulmate” when she gave an ultimatum at 25. Her advice, “ditch the timeline”.
Here’s what some of the women from the chat with Honestly Now had to say:
“Most women say throw away the timeline…it sets you up for disappointment”
“Go for soulmate over date…meaning friend, partner and lover!”
“A supportive partner is more important than what age you are.”
“Getting to know yourself gets you over [the expectation that you should already be on the road to marriage]. It’s freeing to only have to live up to your expectations.”
“Finding a partner should be icing on the cake to finding you!. One authentically leads to another.”
This all fits with what other 40-something women have encouraged. Don’t let other people’s expectations overshadow finding the timing that is right for you…
“Don’t panic. The first time one of your friends gets married in your 20s, there is a sort of a state of panic. It’s interesting. My friends from school and I would all talk about who would get married and what that looked like. We all figured we would be married by the time we’re 25. Then 22, 23, 24, 25 just happened and all but 3 of us were married.
I dated and had boyfriends but nothing ever really felt quite right. I remember going to all these weddings and you have a ton of fun at them but you wanted what you saw your friends having, even though they ended up not really having it because most of them ended up divorced.”
So how do you ditch the timeline? Focus on you. You’ll be surprised what happens.
“We always dramatize ‘being alone’. If I don’t marry this person or don’t get married, I’m going to be alone. There’s going to be nobody that wants me… you do that pity party. You create this sense of isolation and sense that is so awful! But really it could be so freeing when you let go of an age or a list because you open yourself up to the opportunity to meet someone that is more of what you need and want.” – 40-something happily married in late 30s
It’s you who has to be happy with the person you are married to day in day out. Those other people imposing their timelines or expectations aren’t going to be there living with that other person. And a lot of those expectations are probably in our head. Your true friends and family love you for who you are not for who you are married to.
Check out Honestly Now as another fun way to honest opinions and answers to your everyday burning questions! You can find me over there too! http://ow.ly/660JO.