I often get the question from 20-somethings, “How do you know that you have met the one?” Sometimes it’s about knowing when someone is not the one. Most women wish they’d spent less time on the wrong guys in their 20’s. How do you avoid wasting time in the wrong relationship? And more importantly, when do you extract yourself from a bad relationship that’s keeping you from enjoying single life and opening yourself up to meeting the one? Admittedly it’s hard to recognize when you are young and in love and everything feels so intense. But here are a few 40-something pointers on when to say, “He’s not the one”. Maybe something here will resonate with you . . . and you’ll be able to take a hard look at what is good for you, and most likely him too, in the long run. When to leave will be different for everyone. But most agree that it’s when compromise turns into compromising your self-esteem, your personality, or your confidence. And when your gut tells you something is wrong.
1. Say no if you don’t know…
“After a year or two if you don’t know, it doesn’t matter if you are 28 or 48, move on. Knowing now, I would never date someone for as long as I did in my 20’s. You keep thinking things will be better. We just need to grow up. But try to recognize when things aren’t getting better. Then it’s time to move on.” – 40-something, married, mom, Cleveland, OH
2. Say no if he doesn’t know…
“You shouldn’t waste too much time on the fence. If he is on the fence and you are not. Walk away. He will either fall towards you or away from you. If he falls away, it’s time to move on.” – 45, married, working woman, Columbus, OH
3. Say no if the negatives outweigh the positives…
“Too much time is when you ask yourself if you are having fun and more often than not you say no. It’s when you wake up more days unhappy than happy.” – 40-something, divorced, working woman, Los Angeles, CA
4. So no if it’s more trying to make it work than working through it…
“Being in a relationship that you want to be in is different than being in a relationship and trying to make it work. If it’s not working then don’t work. It’s not going to work if you can’t make it work in your twenties. You should be having fun. If you arguing all the time and trying to fix things and breaking up and talking about getting back together, then it’s done. That is not to say marriage is not hard but trying to make it work is a lot different than working through it. – 40-something, married mom, Darien, CT
5. Say no if it’s all drama…
“Don’t think that trauma drama guy is the only person in the world. I had horrible relationships in my 20s. You’re in. You’re out. Dramatic, trauma-drama relationships. I was just banging my head up against the wall. What was I thinking? This is the only person in the world? It would be this heart-rending thing and then I would get dumped on. But now I’m older I can recognize a good relationship doesn’t rely on drama for passion.” – 45, single mom, in a relationship, artist, New York, NY
6. Say no if it’s an obligation…
“I stayed with something for too long despite being unhappy because I felt like it was my obligation stay in it and make everything work. It’s this willingness to appease or say ‘well I’m with this person so I must try at all ends to make it work’. I was unwilling to leave because I had already invested so much time and we are hard wired to think that you have to be in a relationship. But it was a terrible waste of time. We were like separate people living in the same house. It’s a terrible way to spend time. And it sucks up all of your time and takes away a time when you could have been enjoying life as a single person.” – 40-something, married, working mom, Brooklyn, NY
7. Say no when you’re just biding time…
“I was just coasting. I knew in the back of my mind that he wasn’t the wasn’t the one for me. I knew for a while. He really wasn’t the one that I could see myself spending the rest of my life with. But I just stayed in it because we had a good time and it was easy. Why not? But that’s the one that I would’ve said I would’ve walked away from sooner. It was easy to just float through time and you will regret that later.” — 40-something, working woman, New York, NY
Note: I’m on vacation this week and re-posting some previous articles and questions from 20-somethings. This was originally posted on Feb. 24, 2011.