The Other Side of a Bad Breakup

Today’s I’m sharing one woman’s “what I wish I knew then” about relationships in your twenties…proof that breaking it off with “that” guy opens up new opportunities for happier endings.

On breaking up…

“I learnt that I was a fool.  I think what I remember most after a very long bad relationship was when I finally, finally said ‘Pack your stuff and get out’ was that I had this enormous sense of peace. I don’t think I was ready to do it before then. The thought of being alone was so much more peaceful than the thought of staying.

The breaking up, the dating other people, the getting back together – now I would say anything doesn’t feel right, get out. When I started dating my husband, my ex decided he thought we should get married. Classic.”

On dating…

“Maybe I would say coming from a serial non-dater, give more people a chance. I probably didn’t date as much as I should have in my twenties. I was perfectly happy not dating. I saw dating as a necessary evil.  I think on one level, I just knew it would eventually come and I wanted it…but I don’t consider myself someone who stressed over it. I think also when you make enough money that you could support yourself well and have good friends around that you enjoy doing things with… you don’t have that same sense of ‘I need somebody to care about me.’ That was never my personality to begin with. I’m not saying that’s a bad thing. Security is a nice thing to have in your life but I think having a career and making good money allowed me to not stress over that part of my life. It just came a lot easier.”

On being open to the next guy (how we met)…

“Don’t pre-judge. My husband was my rebound guy. I almost missed out on him. A friend of mine wanted to set us up but I had heard he was a jerk.  I really had no interest. After driving back from the wedding a group of us all went downtown to Coney Island. I knew he was a health freak and I am not to say the least. He ate a Coney Island hotdog for me because he knew I wanted one and I thought, ‘Wow. Make yourself such a jerk after all.’ He’s trying to look impressive by eating a really junkie food that I know normally he would never put in his body.

A good guy friend, who was very protective of me, just kept telling me, ‘I wouldn’t tell you to go out with him unless he was a good guy.’  But I was still hesitant. Another thing,  it sounds so mean now, but I thought he was dumb. I don’t know why and I shouldn’t say that. But the thought of dating somebody who wasn’t intelligent was really unappealing to me. His business partner, when I said that to him, said, ‘Are you kidding?’ He made it very clear that he was a very bright guy. I think those things let me take that first step because I really wasn’t in any way interested in dating another jerk. Let’s put it that way.

If it hadn’t been for my friends I would’ve steered clear. 9 months later we were engaged. I think our relationship was just more relaxed. We were more interested in just enjoying us than making us work. Turns out he was #1, funny and yes he’s good looking and we have common values ..I don’t know, we just really had fun together.”

On choosing a mate…

“I would say my best advice to choosing your mate is that you should want to be with him over any other person in your life. If you have the option of being alone with this person or going on a girl’s weekend. You should want to be with him. I don’t mean always. Obviously we all want to be with our women friends but when you think about this person, they should be over and above anybody else the person that you want to spend your time with.”

On marriage….

“I hope I can speak for him. I think we truly adore each other. After 17 years, when he walks in the door at the end of the day, I’m happy to see him. Obviously not every single day, sometimes I want to punch him in the face, but overall he definitely makes me happy. I think our expectations of each other are for the most part always met.

I think many women and men too are unhappy because they’re constantly disappointed when their expectations aren’t met. I think if you’re well aware of what your spouse needs and wants and you’re willing to do it…it’s good. I don’t mean that it has to be such a difficult task. You’re not constantly working at it. It’s easy. I think if you really understand what you both want and need, it makes for a lot more peace and happiness and just overall enjoyment.”

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