It’s Easy to be Nice for a Date or Two — It’s What Happens Over Time That Counts

When I ask women in long-term relationships about what makes their  relationship work, many of them say (amongst other things) that their guy is kind. It seems there are two kinds of guys: the kind guy and the not so kind. There are still plenty of men I talk to who complain that the nice guy finishes last. But perhaps there is a slight difference between the nice guy (too nice?) and the kind guy. These women’s partners are no pushovers…they tend to enjoy good living and loving. We probably all need to date bad boy at one time or another, but when you are ready for a kind one, here is one woman’s take on how to tell:

“It’s the little things. He doesn’t have to spend tons of money on flowers or chocolates or taking you out. But is he gracious in saying “please” and “thank you”. When he says he’s going to call, does he call? Does he open that door for you not just on your first, second or third date? But does he do that for the next six months or forever?

I don’t believe in the honeymoon period in dating or in marriage. I think it should get better overtime. The guy should be more courteous, more kind, more thoughtful. That should grow over time because he’s supposed to like you more (and it goes both ways! Women shouldn’t get more demanding). So forget about their little kind, courteous, gentle manners at the beginning. Anyone could be nice to you for a date or two. I’m not talking about finances because when you’re in your twenties, you don’t have a lot of money and that should never play a role. It’s the courtesy factor. And look at how he treats your friends, and how he treats his friends. Don’t think that if he is rude or discourteous to his friends that “He won’t ever do that to me because he likes me.”

Perhaps this is why so many women have told me that you need to date a man for four seasons before you really know him. I think it’s really about how selfish people are at heart. If a guy’s primary concern is himself, that will show over time and won’t make for equal partnership. If he is secure in himself he can give more to the others in his life without feeling he’s giving anything up.

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