40-somethings on “How Do You Know?”

There’s a new movie out this week called “How Do You Know”.  That’s another question I get asked a lot. I remember asking it myself in my 20s — every time a friend got engaged. It was so frustrating that most answered, “I don’t know, you  just know.” Some of the 40-something women I interviewed had more varied answers — from love at first sight to what they knew it wasn’t — no drama! Here are a few of their stories.

“I would say my best advice to choosing your mate is that you should want to be with him over any other person in your life. If you have the option of being alone with this person or going on a girl’s weekend, you should want to be with him. I don’t mean always. Obviously we all want to be with our women friends but when you think about this person, they should be over and above anybody else the person that you want to spend your time with. After 17 years, when he walks in the door at the end of the day, I’m happy to see him. Maybe not every single day… sometimes I want to punch him in the face but overall, he definitely makes me happy. I think our expectations of each other are for the most part always met. If you really understand what you both want and need, it makes for a lot more peace and happiness and just overall enjoyment.”  – 40-something, Michigan

“Choose your husband because he supports who you want to be not because of how he sees you.” – 40-something, Calif.

“From the first moment I laid eyes on him I thought OMG, I’m going to marry that guy. My friend laughed at me but I did. I was 15 then. We became friends first. We would get together and sit and talk and talk and talk. I went away to school and came home and ran into him. It was like suddenly everything I was doing and everything I thought mattered didn’t anymore. It’s like even though I knew there was life here, my life began from the moment we were together. For me, my husband is that one person I can lose track of time with. When it comes down to it, that is important.” – 40-something, Arizona

“They should make you feel better about yourself, not worse. There are a bazillion people in the world — there’s no reason to be with someone who makes you unhappy…in any capacity. Ever. That person in your life should enrich your life. And make your life funny, more fun, and more awesome, and more great. They should make you feel more beautiful than you already do. Not the opposite. In retrospect, I had series of long relationships that didn’t work out but then, when I met my husband I thought, thank God I had all this shit happen to me and now I met him. I never knew that just being with a person could feel so great. I don’t feel married, I don’t’ feel trapped.  I don’t feel compromised.  Even when I am compromised I don’t feel compromised. It’s hard to explain. So for me I am so glad I waited until I met him. I truly do love him. I married him for love and he made me laugh.” – 40-something, New York

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