Overheard…
Women: Guys don’t want to date.
Guy: There are no cool women to date.
I said, “What? There are so many beautiful and accomplished 20-something single women out there. I know I’ve talked to many of them. What makes a woman cool?”
Guys response: “When she does what she does well so I can do what I do well.”
Maybe that sounds a bit selfish at first, but I get what he is saying. It’s what so many 40-something women say. Be into your own life and what you do. Ditto for him. He doesn’t want be responsible for your happiness anymore than you want to be responsible for his. Because if you are, that is a very tenuous path.
This man’s point was that when he was young there were tons of women to date for sure. But to be honest, he wasn’t that into having a relationship because he was getting into his career and focused on being a guy in his 20s. He was hanging out with the guys, going out and yes, if a girl was willing to go along for the ride without too much commitment that was fine. Then in his later 20s when he was ready for something more, the last thing he wanted was a woman who dropped her plans or changed her interests to “hang” with him.
I know there are a ton of women who do their own thing, so maybe people are looking in the wrong places. But sometimes even the coolest women fall into this trap. Women get to a point, some in their 20s, some in their 30s and 40s, but a point where they get more into themselves, their interests and their own energy and that attracts people who are interested in them and likely share some of those interests. Their advice:
“Don’t twist yourself into a pretzel so they want you.” – 44, single (divorced) woman, in a relationship, Los Angeles, CA
“Share interests not every point-of-view. Be yourself. We share a lot of interests but I can also totally be myself. It’s not like with boyfriends where suddenly his interests become your interests. I can’t say that either one of really changed for the other person.”– 40-something, married mom of 4, Cleveland, OH
“It is true that it happens when you are not looking. When you give up on finding a man and find happiness. You are happy being yourself. You’re being an interesting person because you are not prowling around trying to meet people or talking about it. – 40-something, single mom, in a relationship, documentary filmmaker, NYC and LA
“You have to inspire each other. But you both have to realize that you each only have the power to make yourself happy.“ – 40-something, divorced, in a relationship, art gallery owner/ writer, Los Angeles, CA
“You will be more likely to meet people because you are radiantly happy, not because you are talking about wanting to meet a guy. – 40-something, married, mom, fashion designer
“Give yourself some freedom to have independent lives.We dated for a long time and didn’t marry until 30. We were together but not living in the same city for four years and that made the time that we spent together special and fun. We learned to have our lives independently. We didn’t entirely revolve around each other. I think that was pretty crucial too. I suspect that had we been right in each other’s face all the time, we wouldn’t have felt the freedom to explore our own interests and have independent lives. It would’ve worked out differently.”– 40-something, married, mom, teacher, PhD, Los Angeles, CA
“You can grow in different directions and still grow together. But you have to be secure enough to let the person go his or her own way and not always have to drive him with you. I think you can grow in different directions and still be together. If you’re insecure in your relationship, that’s never going to work.” – 40-something, married mom to 3 children, Chicago, IL