Q. I am a 20-something, recently put into a position where I am now managing other 20-somethings. Do you have any tips on establishing a good relationship? I ask because there have been some issues with people feeling like we’re the same age and therefore they don’t need to “take orders” from me. I want there to be mutual respect and understanding that we’re a team. However, any feedback I give is coming from experience and is valuable.
A. We got some great answers today from a discussion with four successful 40-something managers and leaders. Read on!
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Dear 20-something,
Respect is earned. You must walk a fine line between being authoritative and compassionate. You are not a friend. You are a boss. Be confident and direct in your tone when discussing assignments and work, this is not a “Hey, Liz, when you get a chance can you send that email” kind of situation this is a “Liz, this email needs to go out by noon. Please confirm when you have sent it. Thank you” situation. There is no need to be unfriendly to gain respect. It is simply a matter of being direct with expectation. — 40-something, Director, fashion industry and entrepreneur
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Dear 20-something,
You have to rule by example as always. And be true to yourself. You can’t pretend to be someone you are not. Some people suddenly change their demeanor and act superior in a superficial way – e.g. okay now you are working for me. So just be aware of this. At the same time you have to draw the line. – 40-something, Director of PR, luxury industry
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Dear 20-something,
I always like to start by sitting down with them. Go out to get coffee. Address the situation. Okay so our roles have changed. Assure them they can be open with you in discussing their concerns and goals openly with you. Ask them about what’s important to them. What are you looking to do? What path are you interested in?
Take the time to understand what is going on in own life, their work and their personal life. Find out what their career goals are and that kind of stuff. Because everyone has a lot of shit going on in their lives…it’s helpful to understand and also to make them feel like they are being heard. As a 20-sometihing you may have an advantage in being closer to their issue and understanding them. – Director, Strategy/Biz Dev/Sales, technology industry
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Dear 20-something,
I always ask for feedback. When I am not getting what I want I involve them. I say, “What do you think? Do you think we should do it this way or should we do it this way?” We can get so focused on getting task done that you don’t even recognize what they are like as a person. You have to read the person. You have to understand what makes the person tick. – 40-something, Director of PR, luxury industry
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Dear 20-something,
If it is someone you used to “bitch” about your job with that can be tricky! For one, you can’t complain about the boss anymore. But that is not a good cycle to get in with your colleagues anyway.
Address the situation head on. Ask them to think about what three things could be done to address their issue now that there is a change and an opportunity. Of course you can’t promise anything right away but express that you are excited for the opportunity to make changes.
Sometimes just checking in occasionally and letting them know you want to hear about what they do day-to-day is helpful. When I do this I usually get great insight on any barriers and I usually get the response – “I am just glad you are asking. It shows me you care.” — 40-something, SVP, Advertising and Marketing
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Dear 20-something,
My assistant is the same age as me so I understand it can be weird. At one level we relate the same way to culture and certain situations and share interests. But when I need her to do something, there is an edge. I always explain why I need her to do something, particularly if it is grunt work. I always explain why I need to get it done and why it is important.
If you are just open and upfront with them it can be a lot smoother I let then know that I need them as much as they need me. Don’t come right out and say that but you have to let them know they are valued. I value what you do and this is why it is important. And you have to get your hands dirty too sometimes too (pitch in on some more menial tasks.) – 40-something, Director of PR, luxury industry
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Dear 20-something,
I remember when I made a career transition in my late 20s and I had to go back to entry level for a short period. HR said “like it or not you have to do this and it will likely only be for 2-3 months but there are some fundamentals you need to learn to so make the most of it.”
As it turned out my boss was younger than I was. From day one she was very open. She said, “Okay – let’s just get this over with. You are older, I totally respect you and I know I can learn from you …and I’m sure we can learn a lot from each other. So here is what we need to get done and here is what you need to do and what I will do.
I think there is also something about letting people feel like they are in on something. For example, this younger boss — after she addressed the age issue she said, “Okay, now let me give you the lay of the land.” She let me in on all the nuances of the relationships and the hurdles I would have to overcome but made me feel like I was being entrusted with some secret or inside information. Entrust people with information that will help you do your job better. — 40-something, SVP, Advertising and Marketing
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Dear 20-something,
I find if I trust them to get their job done – they get it done. I have one guy who works for me who disappears during the day. I don’t care if he is out running because he works all through the night. So if sometimes during the day he goes missing …what do I care. He gets his shit done. So whether that works in your company or not, I think the key is to be transparent. This is what needs to get done. This is what I need. This is what you need. This is what we need to get done. And now you make the plan on how to do that and we track that. — Director, Strategy/Biz Dev/Sales, technology industry
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Dear 20-something,
Talk to them about the goals of the company. Discuss how you contribute to these goals and how they can contribute. Then outline how you as a team move this forward. At the end of the day, when the company does well then you all profit. Make them part of the team and show them that you want them to succeed so you can succeed. I remember one boss said to me…you are the expert on that (an area of their job). It is your job to know more than me about that. That can be empowering. – 40-something, SVP, Advertising and Marketing
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