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I Wish I’d Slept Around More

July 9th, 2012

 

Today I’m sharing a very special guest post from MeiMei Fox, the inspiring women behind the Life Out Loud column on The Huffington Post and all around source of wisdom. I interviewed MeiMei for 40:20 Vision and since then she has continued to contribute her amazing insight. That is why I was thrilled for her to share the “40:20 Vision” conversation she had with friends as they came together to celebrate a 20th reunion of the 20-something year they spent studying in Paris.  Enjoy! 

 “I Wish I’d Slept Around More”

In March, I traveled to Paris for a belated honeymoon with my beloved Kiran, preceded by a weeklong reunion with six of my best college girlfriends: Adria, Heather, Holly, Marie, Regan, and Vanessa. We ladies studied together in the City of Light 20 years ago for our junior year abroad. Most of the gang also were celebrating their 40th birthdays.

One evening, I sat down with my girlfriends around a platter of cheese and a bottle of wine in the living room of our stylish rental apartment in the 7th Arrondissement with its peek-a-boo view of the Eiffel Tower. I told them about 40:20 Vision, the website Christina Vuleta created to facilitate mentorship and start conversations between generations. Through her advice column and mentoring events she aims to share the wisdom and perspective of 40something women with 20something women …so they can make their own best decisions.

“I wish I’d slept around more with French men,” said Regan, causing us all to burst out in giggles. This was hardly what we expected to hear from the sophisticated mother of three who has been happily married since age 23. “I was so timid sexually back then, in terms of feeling self-confident. When you’re 40, you feel confident about your sensuality.”

Holly, a Boulder mom and high school teacher, shook her dark hair as she bit into a soft chunk of Brie. “Yeah, but there’s a difference between feeling confident and just having sex. Young women these days are sleeping around like men, thinking that they can break the bond between the emotional and the physical. But can they, really? They open themselves up to a lot of psychological issues by disassociating from their emotions. I think girls should guard their tenderness for as long as they can. You don’t have to give that guy a blowjob because your best friend did. Some girls get their confidence from having sex with guys, and then they need it to feel good about themselves. Instead, they should focus on building confidence in who they are as individuals—their talents and what they have to contribute to the world.”

“You’re right,” Regan concurred, helping herself to a chunk of baguette. “You have to trust in being yourself, not base it on other people’s expectations—your parents’, your friends’, etc. I guess part of those expectations for me was that I’d be a ‘good girl,’ so I didn’t fool around much. But I was a sexual person, so I wish I had done more experimenting.”

“But I’d argue that it’s impossible to know yourself all that well at age 20,” Holly replied. “You’re a lot better off with a bunch of great girlfriends than a string of boyfriends.”

After chewing a morsel of tangy goat cheese, I jumped in, saying, “It’s all about feeling confident, I think. Don’t get me wrong: I loved my junior year abroad experience. Like Sabrina in that 50’s movie, studying in Paris was when I stopped being a girl and blossomed into a woman. But I was plagued by insecurities. Forever obsessing over my weight and lack of fashion sense. Too shy to befriend French students unless someone else introduced me. Too naïve to confront the sexual harassers who pestered me every night as I walked home from the metro to my apartment…”

“And too cheap to just pay for a taxi instead, as any French woman would have,” laughed Marie, an attorney who married a French man after college and has lived in Paris ever since with her husband and their two children.

I took a sip of red wine. Walking around Paris on this visit, I realized, I was happier than many days I’d spent here at 19. Of course, a lot of that had to do with being blissfully married to the Love of My Life. But it went beyond that. I carried with me confidence in my life circumstances and myself that had come with age. Like an evening gown, it made me feel almost as elegant and graceful as the Parisians, not the bumbling youth I’d once been. Like a favorite pair of pajamas, it made me feel comfortable with my surroundings. My self-confidence gave me a sense of ease, which allowed access to deeper joy.

Heather, a college counselor in Jackson Hole and recent mom with an infectious smile, agreed with us, as well, “I wish I’d been more confident while studying in Paris. I was timid intellectually. No French person wanted to talk to me.” She grabbed the knife from the cheese plate and spread Brie onto her bread.

“But how do you tell a 20something: Be confident?” Marie the attorney asked. “You can’t just give the advice: ‘Hey, you should feel good about yourself.’”

I nodded. “Totally. My mom told me over and over again when I was growing up that I should believe in myself. She tried so hard to build my self-esteem. But in the end, I just had to get there myself, over the years and in my own way: reading books, doing yoga, going to therapy, dealing with romantic relationships and break-ups…”

Vanessa, a bright-eyed investment banker and mother from San Francisco, added, “It’s also helpful to find mentors, people who believe in you.”

“I think it helps to get deep into an interest rather than skating the surface on many things,” Heather the college counselor said. “You don’t have to commit to just one thing for your entire life, either. But get serious about pursuing a sport, a hobby, or an academic interest.”

High school teacher Holly agreed, reaching for the cheese plate. “I see that problem all the time with Boulder kids, even those who go to Ivy League schools. They never go deep on one thing. It leaves them feeling untethered.”

“And to expose yourself to new experiences,” said Adria, a spirited chef from Seattle and mom to one, as she refilled her wine glass. “You need to go through those experiences in order to grow. I’m shy. Even now, I’m a little hesitant to talk to random people on the street and practice my French. I was even more reluctant as a college student. But when I got back from my junior year abroad, I felt the impact. It made me more confident for the rest of my life. I’d done something that was hard. So my advice would be: Go abroad and learn another language. Don’t be afraid to challenge yourself.”

“Exactly,” Vanessa concurred. “Our year in Paris wasn’t always easy for most of us. But we matured.”

Adria added, “Also, I’d say it’s important to take time to reflect on your life. Sometimes, we get so caught up in work, school, friends, and now social media, that we forget to sit and think about what’s working for us and what isn’t.”

The conversation paused for a moment, each woman caught up in self-reflection. Then Marie said, “I’m trying to put everything together in one theory. Have more sex but because you feel confident, not because you need to build your sense of self. Be confident, in general. Go deeper into an interest. Find mentors. Study abroad….”

Regan summed it up. “I think it’s all about finding your own way. What do you need to do to be happy?”

“Chocolate!” Adria replied, heading for the kitchen to grab some for us as we all laughed.

The next day, we revisited our conversation and agreed on this takeaway: No one, no matter how wise, can give you advice on how to live your life. The best path you can take as a 20something is to get to know yourself. You do that by challenging yourself, going deep into interests and friendships, traveling—anything that broadens your life experience. It is through those experiences that you will gain faith in your ability to make your own smart choices and confidence in who you are.

 

 

About the author

 

MeiMei Fox is the published author, ghostwriter and freelance editor of numerous non-fiction health, wellness, spirituality and psychology books, articles and blogs. She has edited books by His Holiness the Dalai Lama and Columbia professor Robert Thurman, was Expedition Writer for Alexandra Cousteau in 2009, and most recently wrote the New York Times bestseller Fortytude with Sarah Brokaw. MeiMei graduated Phi Beta Kappa with honors and distinction from Stanford University.

 

In addition, MeiMei is a depth psychotherapy-trained life coach and Ana Forrest-certified yoga instructor. Her loftiest goal is to be a Joy-Giver. In 2010, she volunteered with Sean Penn’s non-profit J/P HRO in Haiti. She recently led a group of volunteers to practice yoga, surf and build a high school in Costa Rica on her first (but certainly not last) Karma Yoga Adventure. Her mantra is: Fear Less, Love More!


5 Responses to “I Wish I’d Slept Around More”

  1. Melissa

    July 9th, 2012 at 4:19 pm

    I’ve read through this four times and gain something new from it each time. What a wise group of friends you have. I can only hope to be nearly as intelligent when I reach my 40s, and hopefully I’ll have some more experiences with Paris myself to talk about. Thank you so much for sharing this, MeiMei!

  2. Susan Alexander

    July 9th, 2012 at 6:00 pm

    Great post!

    Reminds me of the book, Lunch In Paris, a memoir by an American woman, Elizabeth Bard. She recalls, in the first chapter, going up to a Frenchman’s apartment to sleep with him, immediately after the lunch that was their first date. She writes:

    “There is something about the frankness with which Europeans deal with sex, you can feel it in the way people study each other on the metro, the way couples kiss on the sidewalk – it’s just so … normal. If I walked out now, he wasn’t going to think I was a nice girl, the marrying kind …. He was going to think I was a girl who couldn’t take on what she really wanted.”

    Fascinating, you know? I think she’s onto something. Pleasure in other countries (France and Italy, for example) is taken in stride. To use Bard’s word, it’s so “normal.” Here, we seem terrified of it. We get it all confused. We think there’s something inherently wrong with it, but we seek it out and take it in anyway, sometimes too often and too much, and then feel massively guilty. And we have twisted thoughts about it, like that might be a source of confidence. What’s that about?

    I highly recommend the book. It’s full of comparisons between the French culture and ours. And each chapter ends with a few great recipes. :-)

  3. Admin

    July 12th, 2012 at 12:22 pm

    Thank you. I can’t wait to read Lunch in Paris!

  4. MeiMei Fox

    July 13th, 2012 at 2:29 pm

    Melissa, thank you for the amazing compliment! I feel blessed indeed to have such a wise, witty, supportive, inspiring group of women friends.

    Susan, thanks for the recommendation on “Lunch in Paris.” Sounds fantastic! I look forward to reading it. And agree, we Americans tend to be so hung up on sex. Really, in the end, though, as my friend Holly said, it’s about knowing yourself and doing what makes you feel comfortable and confident!

  5. Laura Candler

    December 2nd, 2012 at 1:52 am

    MeiMei, Thank you for this post. I am twenty-five and wandering, in all sorts of the word: trying to figure out what to do with my life, job-wise, relationship-wise, and lots of otherwise. What appeals to me is the sense of confidence you mention. I feel like that’s so important, and I’m only beginning to realize that confidence is an attitude, not a trait. I also spent a semester in Paris while in college four years ago, and experienced many of the same insecurities as you all mentioned. It’s good to know that I’m not alone in that! And as a 20-something in search of advice from strong women, thanks for sharing your thoughts. You are creating more confident women (this one incouded!).

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