Q. I am in love with my boyfriend and two months ago, he told me that he “thinks he loves me.” About a month later, he told me that he is still unsure. We’ve been together for six months. How long do I wait until he is “sure?” He says that he feels the same way that I do, but how can he know that those feelings are love? I love him, but I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t reciprocate my feelings.
A. The 40:20 consensus is don’t wait. If he loves you…he would know. If he really doesn’t know, he will find out sooner if you leave.
You don’t want to waste too much time with people who don’t reciprocate your feelings. It can be hard. As one woman remarked, women can hold out hope because they hear that one story, from that one friend, about that one guy who did change. Who went from “being unsure” to “sure”. But that is one story. Most stories don’t turn out that way. The best relationships often start out easy. It’s not a long drawn out process to figure it out. You may be that one…but know that you also may be investing more time in something that only chips away at your self worth. It’s hard to sit and wait while someone you love “decides” if he loves you. Walking away doesn’t have to be forever. You can just tell him the truth…that it’s too hurtful to be with someone you love who doesn’t know if they love you. You had much hope for the two of you but want a reciprocal relationship and need to see if you can find it. Maybe if he figures it out you will still feel the same way.
Here’s what some 40-something women and one man had to say on the matter:
“The answer is you don’t wait. First ask yourself if you are really in love or just feeling like you are because he’s rejecting you. Most of us at twenty were gluttons at trying to get love from the loveless. If you are really in love and he is not sure, chances are good he will never be sure, find someone who thinks the world of you, with age you will realize only when you think you deserve real love and don’t settle, will you find it.” – 40-something, advertising exec, mom, NYC
“Harsh as it is, my advice would be to move on. You are either into someone or you are not. Don’t short change yourself waiting around and wasting time when you could be dating someone who returns your feelings.” – 40-something, fashion designer, married, mom, Brooklyn
“You deserve someone who returns your feelings. You need to start treating yourself with love early on or you will always find yourself giving up a bit of yourself in your relationships.” – 40-something, advertising, wife, mom, Chicago, IL
“Don’t send too much time on the fence. You have to create movement. If you get off the fence he will have to fall one way or the other.” – 40-something, married, marketing, Columbus, OH
The guys eye view….
“I would say he doesn’t love you. So why does he stay in it you ask? I don’t know. Maybe ego. Maybe it’s easy. Maybe it’s great sex. But after 2 months. No. I have not always said it at the exact same time…but it’s more like within 2 weeks not 2 months. Maybe he is just really freaked out about saying it but my guess would be not. He should know by now.”
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